my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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