I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize