If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
