everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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