You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
