Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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