I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
