i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
