i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize