I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
