What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
