Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
