She is in my trunk
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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