I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
