if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
