his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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