How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
