you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize