Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
