just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
