Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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