im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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