he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
