my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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