If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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