They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
