How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize