I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
