it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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