Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
