the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize