i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
