Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
