$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
