this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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