the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
