this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
