She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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