all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize