she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
