just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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