What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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