My first STD was from a foam party
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
