So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
