The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize