I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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