By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
