I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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