You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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