i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
