i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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