no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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