i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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