I love black thongs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
