I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
