'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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