hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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