Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize