The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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