Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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