Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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