That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
