Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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