You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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